September 3rd, 2013
VICTORIA –The Ministry of Health, Vancouver Island Health Authority, the Victoria Police Department, and City of Victoria are pleased to announce the results of their latest year of planning addiction services. Participants in discussions agreed to stop talking, researching, and holding policy discussions and put the money saved towards opening a safe consumption site.
“We just realized that if we added up all the amount of time we’ve spent talking about services for people who drugs we could easily buy a building, staff it, and keep it operating 24/7/365,” said VIHA’s new CEO. “I mean, I’m pulling in $350,000 a year, so imagine, the two days I spent fiddling around at the mental health staff retreat adds up to a couple grand alone.”
A Medical Officer at VIHA added, “I mean, really, add up the reports! I’ve written at least five myself. In all we’ve probably got a few phone books of reports all pointing to the obvious conclusion that a safe consumption site designed by and for people who use drugs is far and away the most accessible, effective medical intervention towards meeting the immediate health needs of people who are using drugs.”
A spokesperson for VicPD said “Yeah, once we started talking about it, it was pretty easy to find the money. I mean, VicPD alone could operate a few of these when you consider the number of officers we’ve got out there making $80,000 or more basically arresting people for being poor.”
A manager of Mental Health and Addiction Services, was uncharacteristically candid: “Well, I was pretty reluctant at first. I mean, it’s hard to admit you’re basically getting in the way of people receiving the services they need. But then I chewed it over with a private consultant friend and she assured me that we’ll be able to strike up an evaluation team, and maybe get in there with some consultants and make some policies, and eventually too we can take credit for everything and go to other parts of the country and get some good speaking fees.”
The Ministry of Health would like to credit its statisticians for pointing out that the safe consumption site will save lives. “You know, if it wasn’t for our incredible team of statisticians we might still be at the board room right now thinking what the devil to call these people.”
“Isn’t it funny how we think a press release is fake when everything in it is true?”